What of 21.12.2011?

21.12.2012 is not a date to be feared as words can place so plainly, "the end of the world". The end will be the end of an era, a new age. Just as history dates Ice Age, Dark Ages, Industrial Revolution, Great Depression...

A collective consciousness will change the way the world thinks and believes. Values will change. Norms will change. Economies will change. Lives will change. As it has, the past century.

For better or worse, will depend on how many of us realise our souls. Our hearts, or our minds will take precedence. And there will be change. A sweeping change.

Praying, for good.

And on the third day, He rose again. It will be no coincidence that Christmas will signify this period.

Pray and be steadfast.

Humble, in truth and love.

Requiem, for my brother

I stayed overnight at my parent's home the day before the funeral. Sleep evaded me, as it did my parents, and many other friends and family in the wake of Alda's passing.

In the almost 3 months of my brother's comatose state, my relationship with my parents strained. That night, I listened to my dad until 4am... As he retold what happened in my brother's final week.

I breathed a deep sigh of relief in tears, that my dad found what he needed in that last week. My brother, in all impossibility, awoke from his coma unable to speak, but was conscious enough to listen to my dad beg his forgiveness. My dad had prayed so hard than he had ever did his whole life, negotiating with God, bargaining like Abraham against the odds while on the verge of sacrificing his son Isaac's life. He asked God for a sign, for a few moments in prayer to have my brother listen and acknowledge my dad's pain, heartache and regrets...

Then, Alda opened his eyes. He responded subtly to friends who sang and joked by his bedside. Doctors confirmed that my brother was showing signs of positive brain activity. Then my dad sat by his side, poured his heart out and prayed the Rosary with Alda. At the end of it, Alda reached out to kiss the Rosary beads that my dad held within his tight face-to-face embrace with my brother. The tears rolled.

Within the next 48 hours, Alda relapsed back into a coma and fought an infection in higher body temperatures. The medical staff did their best to keep Alda stable. Yet in spite of all their efforts, and having commenced stem cell therapy, it was time.

I never imagined that my dad had hurt so much, to let my brother go. My mum, in the months of Alda's coma, had been quietly persuading him to let Alda go and let God take over.

Miles away, I battled acceptance in assurance that it was my brother's time to leave. With doubt against hope. In futility.

It was only a few more hours to Alda's funeral Mass. I took refuge in the very familiar space that was mine before I left Kuala Lumpur 6 years before. Only now, Alda's clothes and personal belongings cluttered the space that mine occupied only years before. After a short nap, I woke staring at the tall and bony-suited 16 year old Alda in a photo pinned to an old cork board. A far cry from the fit 5ft 8in tall kick-boxer build he was the day he collapsed.

My parents left the house for the church, ahead of me, dwindling aimlessly through the memories I missed of my brother's last 5 years of life. His voice was close to me. I found myself listening to Alda tell me what to do with every photo, card or letter I pulled out from the desk.

From contracts to scripts, birthday cards to gig passes in brittling lanyards. Alda's well-worn, well-loved Adidas gear and Liverpool jerseys. As I shuffled rough the pile like an innocent sister running through her brother's belongings, Alda instructed me who needed some items returned and what to do with them. He had me help him finish up a few final things before he 'leaves', he said.

I knew that it was going to be a special funeral Mass. It wasn't just an hour of prayer, while those attended grieved and paid their respects for one last time. I knew it was going to be more than that. I was humbled that I was going to be allowed to witness the most magnificent vision of life.

While I grew up in a Charismatic church, seeing visions, listening to prophecies come alive and speaking in tongues, it was a past life I had left behind for more than a decade. I didn't stop believing. I just started fearing.

But Alda prepared me, in our silent morning rush hour drive to the church, spent in each other's final sibling presence listening to the radio. The songs that played, the disc jockeys' mindless banters, we both laughed at memories and spoke of its meanings.

It was a calmness I can only relate to being underwater. You can watch life happening around you in a muffled tone. A parallel time and space almost.

The church filled quickly with friends and family, mostly wardrobed in black with stoic expressions of disbelief, hoping it was all just a dream. 

My parents, team Alda and I, as the pallbearers hugged each other tightly before walking Alda's casket up the aisle at the commencement of the Mass.

Every song, every prayer throughout was a living note that morning. It breathe and beat to the rhythm of the hearts of those who shared Alda's love, both in their spiritual  and mourned presence for those who were and couldn't be physically there. 

My dad had refused to play any role in the selection of the liturgy that day, but I swear, every single hymn and reading were an exact representation of the life in the Catholic faith that my brother grew up with in that very church building, St Ignatius.

From his first Holy Communion to his life as altar boy, and his undoubted humble beginnings playing guitar along to worship music as a spirited youth of praise. I choked upon tracing the memory come full circle, in realization that the room my brother's casket had lay during the 3-day wake ceremony prior, was the very same room he began his musical career as part of the youth group.

I sang those praises and hymns, soulful and shyly as I watched in awe of the visions of Heaven that gently lead Alda's Mass into the moment Father Lucas, the celebrant, began the Rite of Commendation. The church filled to the brim with spiritual doves and flames and hoards of angels, as Alda went around to hug every single one of us.

"Into your hands, Father of mercies, we commend our brother Alda Evan Tan in the sure and certain hope that, together with all who have died in Christ, he will rise with him on the last day."

'It was time,' Alda said. My heart skipped.

As Father Lucas walked down the Altar steps, Alda returned to lie in his casket obediently. As the prayer of commendation left Father's lips, one by one, word for word... this is what I witnessed...

Every day could be the last

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I wrote this email to two friends in my head a few weeks ago... But felt like I shouldn't send it, as they might feel offended. After the news of my brother's passing today, I knew I needed to - for my friends who hurt me unknowingly. They need to know they need to love their family and friends unconditionally.


---
 

dear xxx and xxx,

I have held this in my heart because I have forgiven the misunderstanding we had. But I cannot hold back what I need to say because you need to cherish the people you love in your life unconditionally.

 

I was very sad when xxx messaged me on my trip last month, saying she had only wanted to help babysit Brooklyn if I were doing any prep for my brother's fundraiser. That letting Lee and I have a bit of time out didn't seem a priority, but if I couldn't find anyone she would help... Then I cleared the misunderstanding that I never asked help for babysitting Brooklyn because I needed time to prep work for my brother's fundraiser.

 

It hurt to hear the 'excuses' that followed - that life in Malaysia is such that everyone has to work late and that I should understand. You made me a complete stranger by that statement, as though my life in Australia is 'much better' and I don't understand anymore...

 

Oh dears, you are so very wrong. In Malaysia, yes I worked 24-48 hours... 12-16 hours... but I always kept my priorities with my family and close friends. More so when I was struck down with a severe form of urinary tract infection in September 2005 which made me unable to work for almost two months. During that time, I sought help from doctors until I saw a nephrologist who confirmed diagnosis that I have Polycystic Kidney Disease. This is an incurable hereditary disease that is manageable. Sometimes it causes kidney failure. Sometimes it requires dialysis. Sometimes it becomes fatal immediately if there is no conscious lifestyle change.

 

My dad and his side of the family has this disease. He was diagnosed years earlier - in mid/late 90s. It wasn't until my UTI and I had to see a nephrologist that he told me I may have this disease as well. He survives it, but he remained ignorant of the disease for over 20 years - until my brother passed away today 11 June 2012 from going undiagnosed with hypertension. We missed all Alda's signs - constant migraines, the loss of his sight that was suppressed by prescribed steroids, the exhaustion, the blood in the urine... the high blood pressure caused the burst capillary in his brain, which was the stroke that caused the brain damage. 

 

Yes, I am sick. I get tired easily. The stress overwhelms me too easily. Each time I get a UTI, I run the risk of damaging my kidneys. Who knows how long my kidneys will keep up with me... I just need to stay positive and watch my lifestyle.

 

I have also been suffering depression for many years since I was a teenager. But my depression has escalated over the past 5 years since I have migrated to Australia; I've recently been seeing a psychologist regularly and put on to anti-depressant medication. I was admitted into the psychiatrist hospital unit for almost a week this time last year due to suicidal tendencies and sleep deprivation from taking care of Brooklyn since her birth January 2011. I had no help with Brooklyn besides Lee. No maid, no in-laws, no aunties and uncles... My parents never met or saw Brooklyn until February this year, she was already 13 months.

 

I am fortunate to be surrounded by and live in empathetic society who doesn't feel ashamed about mental health and illnesses. I am thankful that I have a beautiful, loving and understanding husband in Lee - and to share this is our daughter Brooklyn. This love is pure, and unconditional. Your boss or colleagues may not be at your funeral. They will go on working on that day. Or the day you need help with life.

 

Life is temporary. The work and money you spend all your blood and tears on will not love you back. The people around you will always need help when you ask or don't ask, whether you know the reasons or not. Reasons do not matter. Life matters.

 

Life has been hard for me, in this way. And yes, yours too is hard in your own way. But I wouldn't share this with you if I didn't care. The truth does hurt. But it's never too late.

 

So what I ask of you here is not for me... Please, the next time someone you know asks for help - accept unconditionally. It might be the last.

 

Love,

Zona

Rest in peace, Alda

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You were never a burden.
You are my brother.
A pain maybe;
as siblings are to each other. 

How my life will be left so hollow and silent
without the sound of your bass...
Or the silent understanding,
when I got so crass.

Those chinky eyes and grizzly smiles
Those giggly laughs, when tickled and riled
None can be taken away
Even when we wish and pray
To hear and see you again.

I knew He said your time was up,
that week you lay in the ICU
I just didn't want to accept it
We just won't give you up. 

Yet, you came to say goodbye
to each and everyone of us, this past week;
Your voice and presence transcended,
in spite of your body, frail and weak.

You lived as the Evangelist He sent you to be, 
and now you rest in His embrace for eternity.


Rest in peace, Alda
You are back as His army of Angels now

Thank you for being my brother.

His genes, my genes

On hearing the news of my brother's admission into hospital 29 March, it was inevitable that people would ask me what was the cause of his stroke. The usual busy bodies' well-meaning but annoying question when I'm vastly removed from my family and from listening to the doctor himself on what was happening tore me up. For heaven's sake, I felt like screaming at all those nosey questions, "How the f*ck am I supposed to know?!"

How many of you can actually admit to knowing about your parents' or siblings' health issues? More so when you don't live in the same postcode? 

When I finally arrived in KL and had a chance to speak to my brother's neurosurgeon 4 days later, it lead to providing information about our family history of ailments. My father, in his emotional distraught, had left out a key detail about a hereditary disease that his side of the family carries - Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD).

Dr Zurin promptly conducted a renal ultrasound to investigate, and soon enough confirmed that my brother's kidneys were impaired. All the signs of Alda's hypertensive complications that caused the bleeding capillary pointed to the critical condition of cystic kidneys. My brother unfortunately had not been aware of his condition, our genetic faults, to educate himself enough about the complications to his kidneys.

My heart ached.
Please visit Alda's Facebook page - www.facebook.com/aldaevantan

My dad, Team Alda and myself will be updating that page daily on Alda's condition, and the wonderful blessings of Love offerings from you! I will update my blog sporadically, but with entries from my heart about my brother.
Nothing in life is certain except death. The one thing that everyone fears.

Hearing the news of my younger brother having urgent neurosurgery very early Thursday 29 March 2012, from 6000km away in Sydney Australia, I couldn't comprehend the severity of my brother's condition.

My parents were too distraught to tell me the details. My dad kept the painful points from me. Yet, the amateur journalist in me craved more details, more facts. What on earth happened? Why?

When my cousin, a former operating theatre nurse, sent me the message that she had seen my brother's CT scans and the medical report, I jumped at the chance of telling the world about it. It was information that I was emotionally hungry for - and wanted to set the story straight.

Emotionally clouded, it never occurred to me how it was just the interpretation of one person. The wrong person, professionally.

Today, I heard it direct from my brother's neurosurgeon Dr Zurin who showed me my brother's CT scans. The one who was operating on Alda the night he was taken to the Emergency.

On admission, Alda only had a 20% chance of survival. His eyes were unresponsive and severely dilated.

Just prior to when he collapsed mid-song during a rehearsal session, my brother was sure to have suffered a headache, nausea and vomiting. They were typical signs of a haemorrhaging stroke. The CT scan demonstrated that the left area of his brain, the basal ganglia, was damaged by a blood clot the size of a strawberry (more or less) due to a bleeding capillary.

Dr Zurin said that the volume of the blood clot had pushed Alda's membrane to the right side. Alda's blood pressure levels were critical. Thankfully, the blood clot was fresh and there were no signs of gelling.

The surgery procedure was conducted immediately in order to drain out the clot and all other excess fluids that may have accumulated in his brain. To ensure that no other excess fluids continue to clot the brain area, a temporary external ventricular drain (EVD), also known as a ventriculostomy tube, was planted into the side of his head.

Upon post surgery, the doctors conducted another brain scan to detect if there were residual blood. The surrounding area where the blood clot lived demonstrated obvious injury, inflammation and dead brain cells. His brain is currently swelled to a slight bulge as a result, and removal of part of his skull bone for the whole procedure.

Dr Zurin however confirmed that my brother did not suffer from cerebral aneurysm or a vascular malformation. Neither were there any tumours detected.

In the meantime, the medical staff are keeping a close eye on his critical blood pressure levels ranging 160/100, which could potentially cause another round of bleeding.

In spite of this, my brother has shown positive signs since the operation. His right pupil has begun responding to light, and his motor response signals are showing extension to painful stimuli. On a Glasgow Coma Scale, Alda was 5/15 4T. He is in a coma classified as severe disability - in an unconscious state with no meaningful response, nor voluntary motor activity.

The part that completely devastated me was when Dr Zurin explained the potential impairment my brother would suffer when he does regain consciousness.

Alda might be speech impaired. He may be able to understand, but will find it difficult to communicate.

He might have no control his whole right side may be weak and cause difficulty walking.

Alda might have the loss of the use of his right arm, and the dexterity of his hand.

Hearing this shattered my world to a million micro pieces. My musician brother, who plays the bass and passionately plucks the strings - may not be able to play again!

God, why do you give my brother such an amazing talent, and then take it away?

Why my brother?

He was your Evangel, your Young Warrior. You are supposed to be Gracious to him!

Why have you forsaken him?

God, please please let Alda PLAY his bass again!

I don't know if I could live to watch my 29 year old brother lose the one thing that brought light to everyone's lives.

Alda needs to recover.

God make Alda whole again!

Heal him, completely.

Please.

A letter to my brother

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Today I am finally reunited with my parents in KL and went to visit my brother at the hospital. Pensive about what I was going to see of my brother's condition, I was trembling all over with dread, in spite of the news that he has been progressing well.

Upon reaching his bed at the ICU, I choked and trembled as I witnessed him lying there, with a supplementary breathing tube into his mouth, IV drips, various other tubes and a hoard of large towering layers of machines and screens beeping silently and religiously keeping track of your vitals. 

My dad leaned over to whisper to Alda that I was finally here to see him. We saw his eyelid ever so slightly flutter and a gentle muscle jerk in response to my dad's voice. I broke down with guarded tears, overwhelmed by his acknowledgement of my presence.

I stood silently by his side. Emotionally pained and distressed. My mum and dad left me to spend some time alone with Alda. I continued to tremble, unsure of what to say or do - but knew that I wanted to do something. I made myself reach out to touch his hand, then gently stroke his forehead - reminding him he needs to stay rested and that he was strong spirited enough to come through this. 

The Star newspaper has highlighted my brother's plight today. 

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Please note that the headline and first paragraph is inaccurate - and was likely published before the blog entry on my brother's condition http://www.midnitelily.com/vivo/2012/03/aldas-condition-medical-report.html


Earlier I had announced on Twitter the amount of funds that I have tracked so far, as of 30 March 2012:

  • Contributions to my mum's bank account approx RM30,000
  • The hospital deposit paid by an angel directly to DSH RM20,000
  • Donations from via PayPal (from England, USA) RM4,000
  • Donations to my account (Australia) AUD $1800
  • Report of donations collected at various ongoing gigs/fundraiser events are still incoming
  • An angel who has pledged RM20,000 (My family will not take pledges into account)

We have kindly declined offers of sponsorship to fly me from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur. My family and I have decided to use part of the contributions I have received from donations in Australia for my single adult flight ticket back. This expense is recorded at AUD$1500.

In regards to corporate and select organisations' contributions and donations, my family have initially outright refused. But after some thought, we have decided that the only way we will accept any contributions from selected companies/organisations is if they accept our condition of contributing to or sponsoring an event for the Malaysian independent music scene.

This is industry is my brother's livelihood, and he would certainly ask of this.

If you are keen, please email me at prayforaldaevantan   @    gmail . com

Thanks!

x, Zona


Please accept our apologies for the confusion about having the donations put on hold. I admit being human and having the fear that something may go wrong. 

Please continue to give in kindness and without reservation - every single cent is a massive amount to us. Your act of generosity alone is overwhelming and filled with love for Alda. And yet we only earnestly ask for more prayers than anything else.  

Who am I to tell God what is 'enough'? When God gives, He provides in abundance! Praise Him for all your love, prayers and thoughts for us through this time. 

We need the guidance and support through Him to understand how to respond and manage this well for my brother's future. So please again, respect our wishes that we will only accept Gifts of Love for Alda from individuals. 

We wish that your act of kindness be about giving back to my brother, what he has spent all his life thus far selflessly giving to the Malaysian independent music community. That is the reason why we will only accept contributions from individuals.

My family and I will soon update you on what other expenses may arise, and make an open pledge to you about what we will do with any excess.

I also want to make a shout out to the following friends who make up the awesome #TEAMALDA:

Adam Lobo
Avril Chan
Collin Chin
Joanne Kay Kuak
Kok Keith
Madeline Tan
Mahani Izzati
Zara Ismail

These are the absolutely amazing and hardworking friends of my brother that have selflessly committed themselves to collecting donations and coordinating the fundraising events, as well as kept vigil with my parents by my side while I am 6000km away. 

As they are on the ground running and coordinating the fundraisers, receiving offers and news, they do this with so much heart that my family and I are tremendously humbled by their actions and enthusiasm.

My family and I request that you please take care of these angels of #TEAMALDA and make sure they sleep, eat and rest while they volunteer their time and efforts for Alda. Take them out to the mamak for a kopi or milo ais, and tell them you honestly think they are doing a great job!

Thank you.

Bless!

x,Z

Update on donations

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Dear friends and well wishers, 
My family would like to kindly request a temporary hold on all donations to my brother's medical expenses. 

My dad has just received the hospital bill from DSH and is reading it over now. We are going to spend the rest of the evening trying to figure out how much we have and what we still need.

My family wants to be honest and upfront about where the the donations will go. But we need the time to put together all these information.

We may need the funds later, depending on my brother's progress and the doctor's advice on the follow-up for his recover. 

If you would still like to donate and know when we may need your help again, please email us to the address below, and we will keep you informed.

prayforaldaevantan   @   gmail   .   com

Or please follow the FB page or this blog.

Thank you. God bless.

x
Please read the entry on this page for a more accurate account from Alda's neurosurgeon. Alda is in a coma, and he suffered from a hemorrhaging stroke.

***
Alda's cousin has just been to the hospital to assist our family in understanding what exactly happened to my brother. 

She has confirmed that Alda did not suffer a stroke.

She has been an operating theatre nurse by profession for almost 10 years now, and she liaised with the medical officer at the hospital to examine the scans. This is her summary of what actually happened to Alda the night he collapsed:

Hi couz! I'm at Damansara Specialist and I have seen Alda and his progress. 

I manage to examine his scan. The CT scan done on his arrival at the ER looked bad. There was a huge bleed on his left side of the brain which caused brain mid shift. 

There was also bleeding on his subdural layer which made his condition much worst! That's why he collapse that night. The operation was done to drain out the blood clot, arrest small bleeders and a tube was inserted and left in 2 monitor pressure in brain. 

Today, all his vital signs are good and he is stable now. He was not in an induced coma, since the operation. He was merely still under sedation from the anaesthesia administered for the operation.

Depending on his doctor's observations, they could wake him up in a day or 2. I was worried for burst brain aneurysm but according to his doctor's notes, its not. So thank God for it. They may run more tests to identify the cause of the bleed since it's not an aneurysm.

Praise God. He is good.

x

Visiting Alda at DSH

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Alda is in the Intensive Care Unit - which is a restricted area in the hospital when it comes to visitors.

As much as we understand how you would like to see him and keep vigil, the hospital staff will not allow you to go in to see him. Please do not try to visit my brother, and respect the wishes of my family and the hospital restrictions.

We will post updates once we receive news from the doctors.

Thank you.

xZ


Thank you for your donations

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My parents Aldwin & Zoraida, and myself are sincerely indebted to everyone who are continuing to pour in their contributions, love and support for my brother Alda Evan Tan - from all over the world!

We would like to make an official request to all those who would like to contribute to my brother's medical expenses and assist our family in this time of need. 

As much as we appreciate everyone's kind offers to donate, unfortunately our family will only accept donations and contributions from individuals.

We humbly regret that we will not be accepting donations from non-profit organisations (NGO) or otherwise, religious bodies or organisations, associations, clubs, companies and political parties.

Our family feels very strongly that this act of love should be about my brother and his well-being. Especially if he has been a part of your life, personally or through his music.

As he remains in an induced coma at the ICU, still reporting a stable condition, we're trying very hard to manage this situation as transparent as possible and respond to your generosity as promptly as we can manage in this difficult time.


Transparency with your gracious donations

I have set-up a Facebook page for my brother, where we will have a contributions tracker so everyone can be aware of the amounts raised.

We will also be creating a projection tool - to hopefully even estimate the cost of getting care and treatment for my brother will be in the next few months.

We will respect and honour our kind donors by never revealing your names. But we would also love if you would leave us your email address and names directly to us, as we would like to provide you with statements of the hospital bills and any related expenses to the aide of my brother's health.

We will also provide statements of the hospital bills on the Facebook page.

Alda's music family are also organising fundraising gigs and events. Hopefully we will also get these posted on the Facebook page for your participation.

If you are in doubt about any appeals or rumours going around, please be mindful of these avenues available for you to stay updated.

Thank you for your love and patience.

xZ

Contributions via PayPal

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Alda's friends from outside of Malaysia have emailed me to ask if there's another way of contributing to Alda's medical expenses. I've set-up a PayPal account here for him - and I will be transferring lump sums in to my mum's bank account (whose details is in the previous entry)

The PayPal account name is zmt.etc  @   gmail   com

Or please feel free to use the donate button below. I will be updating the blog later with a donation button which you could use on your own website/blogs as well.

Thank you.

x

PayPal -- The safer, easier way to pay online.

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An angel answers prayers

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As my parents stepped out of church earlier this evening, my dad answers a phone call from a kind-hearted angel who said she had heard about my brother's condition and our family's predicament through her daughter. She told my dad that she wanted to help us.

She met my dad at the hospital, and put down the RM20,000 deposit.

God bless you. You have our deepest gratitude for your selfless generosity.

To all the friends and well-wishers whom are contributing, we are in deep gratitude of your generosity! It is not the amount that matters, but the love from your heart that radiates kindness in our time of need.

No help is too small or insignificant. No prayer is unheeded.

Remember when Jesus had the miracle of the 2 loaves and 5 fishes? It wasn't that He multiplied the same loaves and fishes, it's His teaching us that generosity is contagious, and the miracles are in us.

Thank you.

#PrayforAldaEvanTan

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It's very tough living 6000km away from my family in this crucial emotional time. =( I can only pray, and wait from this distance for news.

Yet it's hard to deny that the web and social media has just made it so much more amazing, as its own miracle, to be connected in every way - heart, mind, soul...

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, deep prayers and constant updates.

If you're on Twitter, look up the hashtag #PrayforAldaEvanTan to follow updates from friends who are visiting him at the hospital.

Update via @danrfts on Twitter

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Statement from Alda's family please read and RT #PrayForAldaEvanTan - Alda's dad, Aldwin informed he was practising in the studio last night when it happened. A CT scan and operation was done last night. His dad mentioned so far he seem stable but one will only know when he comes out of it. Would need all the help for prayers and also financials. So, if you can help by passing the hat around. Do contact his dad Aldwin 016-xxxxxxx for more details.
5:22 PM - 29 Mar 12 @danrfts

http://www.twitlonger.com/show/gmm32l
After the surgery, Alda was placed in the ICU for observation.

The doctors have left him in an induced coma to help speed up his recovery. This is usual for any patients who've undergone any brain-related medical trauma.

I'm told the they expect to allow him to regain consciousness in a couple of days, depending on how he's responding to surgery and treatment.

Friends who were at the hospital to visit him earlier today were allowed in by the nurses.

The medical staff informed them that my brother is "stable and progressing". Alda has been given morphine to allow him to heal and relieve the pain from the trauma.