midnite lily's

I spoke with my case officer yesterday about a tiny speed bump over my health check for the visa. It's nothing major, just a bit of delay in getting one of the reports. She seemed chipper about getting my visa done quickly, and relayed how her other clients were pestering her to get their visas because their wedding date was approaching. Somehow I suddenly felt like maybe I wasn't as excited, for not jumping onto the badgering bandwagon. And to think one of my girlfriends had asked me why I was so in a hurry to get married. Tsk.

It's not so much a matter of getting married, as much as it's being able to be with Lee. Living in two different countries and having no mutual geographic history together is very different from your average LDR. And when legalities come in the way of being together, it's bloody expensive for us to be bouncing back and forth and playing the "hard-to-get" game, if you know what I mean. So yeah, the whole pretty pomp and splendour of a wedding is starting to get tossed into the back seat. It's a "I-just-want-to-get-it-over-with-a-civil-ceremony-so-I-can-be-with-him" mode. ^_~

Continue reading "Putting on the speed bumps" »

Posted by Zona Marie at 8:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Since Lee's gone back to Sydney last Sunday, I spent the week getting back to work, fixing for a foreign company's production job and doing the health checks for the Australian visa. Felt tiresome going back and forth the city settling red tape issues as a fixer, while seeing the doctors. Besides the GP, I also had to see my nephrologist twice. I had to take two blood tests and a couple of urine tests. I've taken so many urine tests this year, I griped to Lee about it and he responded with,

Just think you're peeing for your future.

But it's surreal to think that we've finally submitted my application. I'll probably get all the reports in to the Australian High Commission here by late next week, then it's the big wait. This is really happening isn't it?

Posted by Zona Marie at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm half sunburnt from an almost week-long trip to the East coast. Spent two nights at Pulau Gemia, a day in Kuala Terengganu and two nights in Kota Bharu. I want to go back to the beach! *ho-hums*

Lee and I finally submitted my Prospective Marriage Visa application at the Australian High Commission, last Friday. Before we even sat down to be interviewed by the case officer, she said

You have a lot (of documents) here.

I can't wait *^_^*

Posted by Zona Marie at 11:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Lee arrives in KL for the second time in a row. It's funny, I feel almost the same excitement having to meet him at the airport like I did last year. Sans nervous breakdown lah, of course! *^_^*

It's gonna be a busy two and a half weeks. I'm thankful for the break off work while Lee's in town. We're going off to the east coast after the engagement party, then hopefully on a couple of road trips maybe to Penang and Malacca. And in between all that, it's also off to the Australian High Commission to *finally* submit my visa application!

Of course, in the most immediate time, it's such a nice coincidence that at the Malaysian International Fireworks Competition in Putrajaya, Team Australia's having their turn tomorrow night when it's also Lee's birthday! We'll be there! Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi! Hehehe...

Posted by Zona Marie at 11:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I realize I've been missing rather personal entries of late. And upon coming back from Sydney, a girlfriend who was keeping tabs on me in my blog pointed out a jarring gap of entries regarding my relationship with Lee. I admit, I had missed out on a number of thoughts and skipped right to being engaged.

Two reasons. For those who've been faithfully following our story here, I owe it to you, somewhat. My parents began reading my blog while I was in Sydney. It was really awkward, to be conscious of them reading this. I also felt I had to tell them things first, before they saw it here. Of course, I over-excitedly posted Lee's proposal to me in my blog, before being able to tell my parents! Heh...

Second reason was, while being in Sydney with Lee, it started to become really odd how I could have been narrating everything that was happening or what I was feeling as it happened. So I made a conscious decision not to blog anything about how I felt. Especially until after I knew where things were going.

Continue reading "Lee & I, in retrospect" »

Posted by Zona Marie at 8:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

On two separate occasions after returning from Sydney, I've been asked

What is it like to date a white guy? Is it different? How did you cope culturally?

My answer, yes and no. Of course dating someone from a different culture and environment is different. But I would say no different than someone dating a guy or girl of another race here in Malaysia itself. I've dated Malay, Chinese, Eurasian, celups and Aussies. And the culture shock that stood out for me most? Was, believe it or not, when I was dating a Chinese Malaysian.

Continue reading "Dating Outside My Race" »

Posted by Zona Marie at 3:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

In the midst of the whole getting engaged affair and wedding plans, I'm beginning to discover how much obviously Western in upbringing I am. When I had a friend ask me,

What's an engagement? ... Is it a cultural or religious thing?

No wonder no one congratulates me for being engaged. They don't even know what it means.

Posted by Zona Marie at 3:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

What started out as an email to one of my married girlfriends about the name change legalities in Malaysia (or rather the lack of, as I discovered), became a discussion about holding on to our passport. Actually, it was more about the cross-cultural divide that many of us choose to take without thinking ahead. Far ahead.

This is an issue I've constantly felt close to my heart. And I believe, something I have constantly blogged about. I know that even before leaving for Sydney, Lee and I had already covered many possibilities related to our relationship's future. A lot of issues, which I believe not a lot of people embarking on long term cross-cultural relationships have thought about.

My girlfriend's aunt has lived and been married to a Swiss for over 20 years, and currently has to deal with a teenage son. Her purported anguish in dealing with the cultural differences of bringing up a Western teenage boy among other things, have driven her further into homesickness. With knowing full well that Western upbringing embraces an individualism that forgets the parents in older age, my friend's aunt is very much prepared to come home to her sisters in Malaysia, especially if and when her husband passes on. My girlfriend's advice to me was to retain my Malaysian passport regardless of circumstances, should I want to come back home.

Continue reading "The Hard Road Ahead" »

Posted by Zona Marie at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

G'day lah, or for those who prefer mandarin - knee how. Zona wrote to me via SMS last nite as she had come to terms with, in her own words, full circle. Her reasons for starting this blog in the first place was one for discovery and experience. A journal she could keep that when first started very few people had interest or even knew what a blog meant.

Continue reading "New blossom" »

Posted by Lee at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I've initiated a blog for all the updates, mush and accounts leading up to our eventual wedding. The link to our wedding diary is also accessible in my navigation bar. So make a beeline over whenever you feel like it. Cheers! *^_^*

Posted by midnite lily at 2:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The step up at this morning's relationship declaration program was an elegantly simple affair. We arrived at the majestic 127 year old Glebe Town Hall 10 minutes early, and were greeted by the registering officer, Nick Hespe, whom we first met at the City of Sydney office. He was accompanied by two other officers who worked at the Glebe Town Hall, and informed us that it was their first relationship declaration ceremony at their council office. So they were just as excited.

We were ushered upstairs, where we got a glimpse of the gorgeous interior with stained glass windows and classic high plaster ceilings. As if to accentuate the mood of the morning, incidentally there was a pianist in the main hall next to our room who was playing something.

In the small hall where the ceremony was held, one of the officers had made an effort to dress up a little table with a vase of fresh flowers. I was pleasantly surprised at the gesture.

Continue reading "Make that two steps..." »

Posted by midnite lily at 1:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

We trudge through the Internet every day, surfing sites, reading blogs, getting the news, that it's become an every day common occurrence to us. You'd barely think twice about who you're reading or how it affects you. In the days before Technorati and RSS, you'd manually hyperlink someone's site to yours if it was something you enjoyed reading.

I vaguely remember thinking, "Hmm, a cartoonist's site. He's linked me. I guess I'll return the favour." That was early June 2003. Sporadically we'd leave comments on each other's blogs.

Continue reading "Accidental clicks" »

Posted by midnite lily at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Definitely the unconventional and more modern way of doing this. Come Friday, April 27th - Lee and I will be declaring our relationship with the City of Sydney.

A month ago, we went to the city council office to register with the Relationship Declaration Program. We decided that it might help my de facto relationship PR application later on, and would also be a step up for our commitment to each other. It's set for April 27th, 11.30am (GMT 10) at the Glebe Town Hall.

Continue reading "One step up" »

Posted by midnite lily at 12:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I would love to have you as my daughter-in-law.

I wasn't even trying.

Continue reading "The aspiring proposal" »

Posted by midnite lily at 5:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

playing Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds via LAN all weekend.

Geeks! *giggles*

Posted by midnite lily at 9:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Disco-Very asked me a couple of days ago, if the surrealism of being here has left. No. Although I've definitely fallen into the lady of leisure trap (as I have already been two months preceding my arrival =P), my complacency is engaged by the surrealist moment of realising that I am here.

I am looking at the computer he spent hours talking to me with.

I am petting his black fluffy cat whom I hear purring into the microphone every night.

I am talking to his friends I only knew by name.

I am laughing with his colleague of whom I've merely heard stories of.

I am in the photograph of the places he took for me.

I am here.

I've crossed over a time portal, really. From another person's life known through cyberspace, into reality. How can this stop being surreal?

Continue reading "Creative Complacent" »

Posted by midnite lily at 3:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've always had this theory that walks were romantic. It must be doing something for the adrenalin that makes you feel more in lurrve... Heheh... But what I love to see in taking walks is how you're spending exclusive moments being in synch with your partner.

I'm not much of a walker. Coming from a city where everyone has a car or commutes minimally, nor are there pedestrian friendly sights, Sydney is definitely a change. Not that I mind, for the reasons mentioned above. My legs are just going to need a bit of time getting used to. =P

Continue reading "A Walk to the Wharf" »

Posted by midnite lily at 5:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Packing update:
Bag 70% full, 4kg overweight. No can do. Txt'd Lee -

"Need a blardy jumbo box!"

"If it comes down to it, pack shoes first as clothing is cheaper than shoes here."

To-do checklist, 90% complete. Sleep, not enough. Stress levels, akin to withdrawal symptoms.

This was one of the things to do on my checklist. My yearly Christmas hair maintenance. Watja think? Hee... I think I am hair-vain. tsk-tsk... I swear this nervousness is making me flakier! Nothing like a good and fresh frizz to express the stress... =P

Met Shaz for dinner last night. Was on the verge of tears when we parted. Met Ju & husband tonite, the rest of the girls out sick. Was sighing heavily thinking how much I'll miss them all. *hums*

postdate | 0342hrs - packing 99% complete! Just got the minor stuff, like toothbrush, to pack. Woohoo! Of course I had to mention this here because I'd been getting too many msgs asking if I'm done! =P

Posted by midnite lily at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Three more days. I'm done with the unpacking, sorted the things I want to bring over, tomorrow it'll be time for the packing. I can't believe my bro has already asked my dad for my room! A lot of my stuff will still be here. So he'll just have to share my bed with Toffee. Nyek.

Dinner on Saturday night for mum's birthday (yes, both my parents are scorpios) was another one of few adult moments I've begun to share with my parents. You know you've grown up when the topics and way you talk with your parents have changed. Dad felt he had to impart a couple of fatherly words of advice to me before I go. And the word that stuck to me after getting it all jumbled into my short-attention span memory, was "desperate".

Continue reading "Fatherly advice before leaving" »

Posted by midnite lily at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Ten... nine... days and counting. Catching up with old friends seem inevitable when they hear my departure has an indefinite return date. It's nice and dandy asking what everyone's been up to, but to be the focus of everyone's attention while they attempt to discover my raison du départ is disengaging.

Have you ever heard yourself in the third person? Not as someone talking about you to someone else in your presence. But an almost out of body experience of listening to yourself talk about yourself. Every time I hear myself retell my little love story, I feel just like that.

It's a story from a movie script that I must have conjured up, somehow.

Posted by midnite lily at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I admit I haven't written anything vaguely romantic or heartfelt about my online relationship with Lee of late. The geek & the geekette, was close enough I guess. But those of you who've grown fond of reading my thoughts about the relationship would know it isn't the same as the others, and are probably missing it.

I am too. It's the moment wherein the inevitable reality has begun to set in, and the so-called honeymoon period is over. I'm not saying that I am no longer over the moon with him. I mean that, as the countdown of days nears to when I leave for Sydney, it no longer will be an online relationship.

Continue reading "Online relationship, no more" »

Posted by midnite lily at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I love Lee. Falling short of putting up a banner saying that, he's been part of my blogger evolution. We first "met" reading each other's blogs. And I can't seem to stop saying it, because it seems unreal to me. Well, given it's an unconventional way of meeting someone, I guess it might become more common in the years to come.

I've come a long way since I first blogged on my birthday five years ago, and maintained a personal website up two years prior to the birth of blogging. I started out writing inane things about what I did everyday because that was the reason I was asked to start a blog. A college friend of mine, after we parted ways, told me it would be a good way for us to keep track with each other. The blogsphere was so tiny then. And I honestly had no clue about the whole thing. Call it a phenomenon or whatever, I just saw it as an open diary of sorts.

Continue reading "Blogging evolution" »

Posted by midnite lily at 8:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Lee and I aren't your ordinary couple. The things we find we have in common mostly ranges from the creative industry we're both in and arty farty stuff to all things geeky. Animation, short films, Tim Burton, Star Wars, web designing, C64, Salvador Dali, cartoons and comics we loved since we were kids... Except for the fact that he's a Mac fanatic and I'm your above average PC user, everything else is a ball. Particularly when we get witty enough to start up some cartoon strip ideas! ^_^

As much as I'm delighted how Lee & I share so many geeky interests together, when I get similar responses from other guys through emails and messages telling me how impressed they are to "find a lady pro at the PC" I found their comments complimenting albeit sexiest. And I honestly don't get the fuss. I'd been a computer user since I was 9 when I took classes at school, and my dad got us the amazing Commodore 64 at home. Does it matter if I'm a net or PC savvy female? There's a lot of others here in the blogsphere.

Anyway, Lee obviously thinks that's an attractive trait. But I did get a bit clueless in one instance. While Lee was in KL, he made an observation and said to me -

I hardly notice any PDAs.

To which I replied,

That's cos I haven't taken you to Low Yatt. We've got a lot more gadgets over there. Might be cheaper than in Sydney too.

He looked at me, baffled. Then amusedly said he meant Public Displays of Affection (PDA). doh!

Posted by midnite lily at 7:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Lee thinks I have an insatiable appetite. And he's afraid he wouldn't be able to satisfy me.

Continue reading "Insatiable" »

Posted by midnite lily at 8:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

When your Mac fanatic boyfriend let's you bring your PC lappie into his home.

And installs a generic wireless router instead of an AirPort.

Continue reading "Compromise is..." »

Posted by midnite lily at 9:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

These last three weeks have been very trying for me. Even after Lee was discharged from the hospital, things hadn't quite gone back to normal for us. Normal being, spending at least 8 hours a day chatting on either IM or Skype.

I know, stop scoffing! An 8 hour minimum isn't normal. And what the hell do we talk about every day? Sorry, but this entry isn't about that. It's about how I'm suddenly ripped apart from that connection frequency to being zilch. Even the SMS' were scarce. His illness was making him lethargic, and despite being familiar with what he was going through, I was growing annoyingly restless from the lack of attention. *sigh*

Continue reading "Make me or break me" »

Posted by midnite lily at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

When you text your sleeping beauty boyfriend,

"I'm bored..."

He replies,

"Write a short story influenced by Dahl for me to illustrate"

nyek. I can see where our relationship is heading already.

Posted by midnite lily at 8:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Lee finally got discharged from the hospital yesterday. He's still convalescing and the doctors speculate it might take at least three months for him to fully recover. Apparently getting glandular fever at his age, there were additional complications and he was practically made a guinea pig.

Catching up with him last night on what happened at the hospital, some of my worst fears resurfaced, including that my paranoia wasn't unfounded. *sigh* I'm just feeling thankful it didn't come to that.

I was mad the whole time trying to help him understand how I felt during this period. Yet at the same time, I didn't want to be angry at him. He needed to know that I felt like a complete stranger and outsider throughout this. I didn't know his family or friends, nor had any contact with any of them. Had anything happened to him, God forbid... how would I know?

This was different from all my other LDRs, as I knew them and their families before they or I left. Every form of related contact was made. But with Lee, it was the complete reverse. Until I get there, I'm still a stranger to his life.

Posted by midnite lily at 4:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

from getty images I feel for her and can totally relate to what she's going through. The nearer the date comes when I leave for Sydney, the more questions and mixed reactions I get.

The latter's mixed reactions range from admiration to uncertainty. It's almost an instant when the person thinks to him/herself (yes, I get reactions from the guys too) "I can't do what you're doing." The confident ones will drill me with making sure I know what I'm doing, and my response would be "I just need the change."

Continue reading "How I'm doing it..." »

Posted by midnite lily at 3:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm consumed from this emotional turmoil. Tired from crying my eyes out from ambiguity. Weary from the maddening rollercoaster of thoughts. And completely losing my bearings from all this pain. Have I mentioned I hate LDRs? Yes, I have.

No one needs to go through all this. Sometimes I ask myself, why does this have to be so difficult? Why couldn't I have fallen for someone who lived 10km away?! Even up to 50km wouldn't be so bad. But 6000?! Urrgh. Doesn't help that every generation of women in my family has a record of falling for someone not of their own nationality. It's in the blood.

*sigh* He finally txt me at 6am this morning.

Continue reading "Mental torture" »

Posted by midnite lily at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

He hasn't text me back once today. Neither did he answer the phone when I tried to call. *sigh* Well, at least the phone battery's not dead!!!

*gets really paranoid*whimpers*

Posted by midnite lily at 8:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've been feeling off the marker all week. More unhinged in the last couple of days since Lee's been sick. (Yes, that explains why I've been blogging a lot, somewhat.) Lee was admitted to hospital yesterday when his blood test confirmed he has a liver infection. Today he said they're sure its glandular fever.

Partially relieved, but feeling unnerved about being so far away from him in a time like this. One of the hardest thing in an LDR. *sigh*

I'm praying very hard he gets better.

Posted by midnite lily at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Warning. Rambling, emo post ahead.

I miss him to pieces right now, but I could also rip his hair out at the same time for making me feel estranged this past week. Even if it is because he's sick. *sigh* LDRs... just when you think you've been through it all.

This is my third LDR. And after the first two, I told myself I was swearing off LDRs. Of course, you can't quite control who and how you fall in love, can you? You could, and then be completely broken hearted or just live in regret as a what-iffer. But sometimes life's more exciting this way. I guess.

Continue reading "I still hate LDRs" »

Posted by midnite lily at 3:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Single male (red hair, long arms, interests include hanging in trees and grooming) seeks female for long-distance relationship and possibility of meeting up in future to help save species.

Would you answer a dating ad like that? Hahah... You'd need to be as hairy and long-armed first. Oh, and it'd help if you were an orang... the hutan (forest) type. Yeah, even the orang utans are looking for love online!

Online dating and finding love on the Internet's always been something I was skeptical about. Only for the mere fact that the mind's a tricky thing. I've argued on the basis that meeting potential partners online could be about you filling in the imaginary gaps of the person in your head. If you were in a desparate state, you'd easily "imagine up" the person's qualities that you want. Or not notice quirks that you hate. Or even one side could be lying. You'll never know if the person was a stalker and knew enough about you to sweep you off your feet.

Continue reading "For the love of the Internet" »

Posted by midnite lily at 7:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Reading Erna's commitment phobe over getting a pet, I remembered that I haven't blogged about my baby for a while...

Every time I've had to leave home, the one person I hate to leave behind is Toffee. I've nearly had to move to Indonesia, and Singapore this year, and each time I dread to think that she's the only one I can't speak with if I call home! Heh.

So now, thinking about the trial move to Sydney is making me miss her terribly. I really wish I could take her with me, because Australia's such a dog haven! And she's definitely going to love it there.

Except maybe not Keisha, Lee's persian sweetheart. But they're so alike despite the obvious.

Continue reading "Two 'tats" »

Posted by midnite lily at 9:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

from getty images I never understood why I felt so repressed working the drones of everyday life. As the years of my career and achievements rolled up and in, I didn't think I needed anything else. I loved what I was doing. Even if it wasn't the first thing I wanted to do.

I remember writing from a young age, and always wanted to because of the books I grew up reading. I adored the way imagination was stimulated by ink and paper. Even more so my admiration for those who could conjure up the visions in my head. I dreamed to do that. I knew I was going to write, and I set myself to journalism.

Continue reading "The Artist in me" »

Posted by midnite lily at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm good to go. To Sydney, I mean. I don't know why I was shaking nervously just booking the tics online... I'd spent the last month since Lee left KL looking for the cheapest ticket I could find. (=P Yeah, cheapskate!)

Well, that plus I've been messing with my head about whether I should go or not. I was on the verge of chickening out again this evening. I had to keep asking for signs. And in the midst of that, I found out on two separate occassions today that two friends of mine, and my brother & his gf are heading to Sydney come December and January respectively. Geez.

So, I've finally got a date - November 23rd.

Posted by midnite lily at 5:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

You know you've changed when the topic of conversation you have with your boyfriend are things you used to avoid like a plague.

I've been reading blogs of people with kids. Not blogs about babies. Parents' blogs. Young families.

yeah, yeah.. tick tock, tick tock =P

And one became quite a subject between Lee & I, only because we started analysing the couple's communication problem and attitudes about watching their kids growing up.

Your kids only grow up once.

I'm suddenly intrigued in wanting to know what he thinks about things from these point of views and other people's experiences cos' it matters.

Continue reading "Only once" »

Posted by midnite lily at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

from getty images One of the things I'd warned Lee about before his coming to KL was how staring isn't rude here in Malaysia. In fact, we like to stare. We'd look and stare at you if we can't figure out what race you are, cos it still matters. We'd stare cock at you if you offended us on the road. We'd stare at you if you were wearing something different. We'd stare at you if you did something different. We'd stare if we thought we recognized you from somewhere. We'd stare at you if you're a kwai loh with an Asian girl in tow. And we wouldn't even lose our gaze if you stared back.

How's that for being Reader's Digest's 3rd rudest city? Heh. Hey, it's a culture where our momma never taught us that it was rude to stare mah.

Well, the reason I brought this up was obvious. When he was going to be here with me, we were going to be stared at - a lot. Far be it for him to understand why, coming from a multi-cultural city himself, but KL still has a long way from behaving like a global city. This was only going to be my second time going out with a white ghost. The first time really got my goat, when I was out late one night at food stall with my Aussie date (yeah, I've a thing for Aussie guys. heh). This guy just stood beside our table, barely a yard away and stared right at the two of us. I couldn't even break his gaze. It was as though we did something wrong just sitting there having our Indomie.

As much as this staring business irks me, what intrigues me most about the staring is what goes on in their minds right when they blank out from realising their victim is wondering if his pants' zipper is open, or if the she's got a crusty booger. You can't really help but wonder how prejudiced the thoughts could be. I mean, I can admit to being guilty and staring at Asian-Caucasian couples too. But when the stares turn to feeling like you're being accused of something, that just tells you how reflectively narrow-minded people can get.

If I were in Bangkok, Jakarta or Manila and staring at an Asian-Caucasian couple, my first thought would be the language barrier. Erm... No, honestly it's more prejudiced to -- what do they have in common with each other?? I'm disgusted even more when I see a Caucasian man who's evidently 20 years her senior, which tends to be a common sight in Bangkok. The Thais are sadly a sex trade attraction to the Western men, while the Filipinas are horridly labelled gold-diggers or opportunists. Some of these pairings just feels so wrong sometimes. So I guess I can try to understand based on these stereotypes formed by our Asian counterparts' pairings. But what could possibly be on the minds of Malaysians' prejudices against seeing their own women with a white man?

Malaysian men not good enough arr? Sure he couldn't get a local woman, so Asian girls easier hor? Hai, she must think she's going out with a Brad Pitt

Whatever it is, I'm sure you've thought of one Lee'd love to hear. Because the poor thing felt like everyone was staring at him accusingly as though if he touched me, I'd combust or something.

Posted by midnite lily at 1:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Posted by midnite lily at 2:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by midnite lily at 2:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm not dealing very well with his sudden absence. Strange how in such a short time, absence can feel enduringly painful. Depression's such a disability.

My contract with VW's almost up. There's a chance I can get it extended. And there's also other work offers. But I don't know what to decide, I can't think of doing anything else except wanting to be with him in Sydney so badly right now. Saying I'm "missing him terribly" is a severe understatement.

*crawls under the doona & soaks the pillow in tears*

Posted by midnite lily at 11:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

He's already left. I couldn't help but crawl under the covers and stifle a couple of sniffles last night while he was packing. I thought it was really strange how the first two days of his arrival was just so awkward for me, and then it was like we had been going out for the longest time. I don't know about him, but I felt inseparable. Really didn't want him to get on the plane today. Just when I was getting used to him being around, we have to return to IM and Skype... *sigh*

I guess I sort of lied when I said I didn't know what's next. We'd actually been talking about it even before his coming to KL. It was just strange for me that we didn't talk about it while he was here. Or maybe I'd just been subconsciously dodging it and living as though he wasn't going to leave. Yeah, that's about right. I remember he's brought it up somewhat. Partly regretting not having had the chance to say much of what was on my mind. Felt like time just moved by too quickly. =(

So yeah, let's just say Sydney is in the calendar before the year goes out.

Posted by midnite lily at 11:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So Lee met my parents over dinner last Monday night, and I guess you could say it went alrite. Considering they "didn't seem mad"... Whatever that meant. I honestly hadn't gotten what you'd call feedback from them since that night because I'd then been busy with tying up loose ends at work and juggling taking Lee around town, then it was off to Lumut. All of which I'd say I'd been doing a bad job of. I mean, I had a sinking feeling Lumut was going to be a bad idea when I'd lost my way driving to the resort. While we were there, we tried to take a ferry to Pangkor but it rained all day. No chance of spending much time on the beach, plus the resort's pool was under maintanance. Made me feel like I should've gone the extra mile and gone to Langkawi or Redang instead. *sigh* But I guess I sort of made up for it when we went to Ipoh, had lunch at FMS and took him to see the Perak Tong and Gua Tempurung. It makes up for people telling me to take him to Batu Caves x_X Which I hadn't been to myself, BTW. Nyek. And we'd also gone to see Kellie's Castle on the drive to Lumut the first day.

But I digress. Dinner with the parents was good. As far as first impressions go, at least. I can't expect much, but I guess it is a good review when your dad and boyfriend are rattling on about MAD comics and cartooning; and mum in her usual silence is smiling a strange kind of knowing smile. I still can't figure the latter though. Dad said Lee looks like Tab Hunter (he does?? *puzzled* maybe the smile *shrug*).

Anyway, I can't believe the two weeks he's been here is already over. He's heading back for Sydney tomorrow morning. *sniffles* So what now? I'm not sure...

Posted by midnite lily at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Sorry for all the quickies. Hehe... But yeah, I am in Lumut now - enjoying the rain and tv and doing nothing. Bleh. No sun for the beach. I guess that'll have to wait til Puerto Galera next month. Oh yeah, this is a pre-paid connection and another quickie. =P

Besides, looks like my bro's doing a better job keeping you guys updated. Hahah... I didn't even know my parent's weren't "mad"... Well, if you consider the other "untraditional" ways they've met my previous bfs, I guess you'll know why they don't need to be mad. Heh.

Seriously, I'm starting to feel like this is all a little too surreal having Lee here in real life finally. I can still remember the first time I first clicked on his blog.

Posted by midnite lily at 1:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

He met the parents yesterday. Hee..

Posted by midnite lily at 4:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I didn't know what to blog about to tell you what happened at the airport. But Lee said to say this--

that u picked me up, it was late and i look horrendous and made you miss your shoot

Hehe. Well, I'd been driving my head silly over the moment the whole day. Trying to get work to distract me, and thinking about everything else possible. When I finally got to the arrival hall, I stood there waiting for almost an hour.. Naz called, Shaz called, and RT txt'd all the way from Finland wishing there was a live telecast! *doh* Then I went from wanting to "pee in my pants" nervous, to pacing up and down hiding behind the pillars... to wanting to just turn around and go back home, or to work, or some place just not there...

I watched every other tall kwai lo come out and tried to find red streaks on his hair to figure out if it was him. LOL. I started to realise this was really going to be silly. I should've told him to carry a lily or something. But Shaz assured me we were just going to know when we saw each other.

I'd gotten tired of standing by then. Why didn't they have chairs nearby? They used to. But now they're all occupied by cafes that required you to patronize to sit down! Bleh.

When I finally spotted him from a distance, I didn't know if I had to jump, wave or walk towards him... Somehow it didn't take long for our eyes to meet, despite the sudden swarm of people coming out of the gate. I greeted him nervously with a hug, and it felt like he was shaking too. I didn't know what to say and think I mumbled half the time. But that was it. The fireworks moment was gone by that time. And all I could do was laugh bashfully at myself.

Posted by midnite lily at 3:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

He'll be here.

It's past midnite, so I guess this is it. One more sleep before he arrives later tonight, if I can fall asleep. I'm half glad the insanity at work tonight distracted me from having a nervous breakdown thinking of Lee's arrival.

I'm home now, going to sweat out this crazy cough and fatigue for one last rest to look my best. I'll be at the airport in a few hours, goodness knows looking for the person who resembles all the photos he's sent me. Or a 6ft 2in Aussie waving a 1kg bottle of Vegemite! Har-har.. (PH, you homesick OZ dork! It'll be your fault if Lee has to resort to that... =P) I can barely restrain myself from over-thinking what the moment is going to be like. *takes a deep breath*

"The moment you're concerned with the outcome, you lose the winning edge."

Stop thinking. I'm going to bed now. I'll keep you guys updated.

Continue reading "In less than 20 hours now..." »

Posted by midnite lily at 1:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Between juggling the madness of work and procrastinating with my own personal errands, I am getting very anxious as his arrival counts down to a little over 24 hours.

In the span of the last 72 hours, I'd gone through feeling overly affectionate, indifferent, completely detached to nervously over-anxious. There's definitely no changing his mind about coming to KL now. Flight tickets are in his hands, hotel's been booked, and a kg of Vegemite's been specially ordered. Tsk... Ugh, not for me of course!

Aieeeks. What've I gotten myself into??

Posted by midnite lily at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The workaholic in me is feeling absolutely guilty. When I got home last nite, my throat was itching in that familiar way that meant only one thing - I was going to fall sick. August does that to me. And so I woke up this morning, unable to wake. My body had completely shut down on me without warning.

What do you do when your phone rings off the hook and you're a vegetable? Feel guilt. I hate being rendered helpless. Reminds me, I'm due for a check up after last year's kidney problem.

On a happier note, THREE more days! And Lee's out sick with the flu. Talk about synchroneity. I'd been thinking alot about what it's going to be like, finally meeting him in person for the first time. We've both agreed that it's somehow more like we're meeting again after a long time. Strange thing is, we're going through the motions like any average couple would in a relationship. The only difference is proximity. So what's the physical transition going to be like?

It's kind of like a mental deception if you think about it. The mind's only been able to fill in the gaps from the lack of physical presence or affection, despite us both having shared emotional presence. It's very real, and yet somewhat surreal. So what is the reconciling point going to be? Lee thinks it'll be like when two people who've not seen each other in years and we'll end up saying to each other "My, you've changed since I last saw you!" tsk. Well, he has, since I first saw him on his blog three years ago. *grins*

Posted by midnite lily at 11:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I stared at the key, and it just compelled me to open the pandora's box that was my past. My old diaries and endless letters hurled from its place, as if it knew its own backward chronology of events in my life, I held them and skimmed them.

image from getty images From last to first, I read random letters that felt mushy, empty and poetically clichéd to the ones that brought God into love. I felt like those were the letters that came alive. Even though they were written 10 years ago, I could hear AC's voice reading them out to me. They had more weight than the other letters, not that the rest didn't mean anything. I just suddenly missed that relationship AC and I had from a spiritual level.

I'm far from that person I was. But there's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder where my life is going, and when will I ever see Him in my relationship again.

Why does life have to be made so complicated? Why couldn't it be simpler than it is right now? I thought I prayed for someone God would be happy of. Why do I even bother with what God thinks? I haven't even been for Mass in weeks because of work. *sigh* Then again, what's weighing me down is really what I'm thinking of myself in a derogatory state.

I'm staring at the ring on my left hand. Don't ask me why I've placed it on my finger. It was the ring that was given to me in frustration and disappointment, when it was supposed to symbolise life long love, happiness and a covenant. My finger itches at its foreign presence. I don't want it. I don't think I can deal with it. Don't tell me to count my blessings. There is always something wrong with every picture. And I always need to know. I want to know why she left. I want to know why.

So again and again, I will run before happiness comes. Again and again, I am afraid of what I asked for. Again and again, my words to you will mean running water. Again and again, I will break more hearts. Again and again, I will lose. If that is what will leave me a solitary creature on this earth, so be it.

Posted by midnite lily at 12:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I can't seem to figure out what's been troubling me. My mind's been on the fritz thinking about everything I don't have control of and impatience is consuming me. Work is a chore, as it has been for the last few months. Even despite this amazing film I'm working on, I'm really feeling blasé about work and my career. I've lost the passion for it. More so when there are petty idiots who love to back bite and whinge about every little thing. I can never understand these people's need to be dramatic and fight back the same way. Don't you have enough work to do?!

*sigh* On the other hand, I think fear is creeping up on me as his arrival date draws near. I think I'm starting to look for tiny excuses over the relationship and shirk away from what could come. I had a dream the other night that I was at the airport and met someone else that wasn't him. Things that I'd put aside about him are starting to surface and make me depressed. I thought I could talk to him about it last night, but he was too tired from his drive back from Canberra. I keep finding excuses that maybe he's not picking up on my statements because he didn't hear them, or because he's too tired, or because he thinks it's nothing. It makes me shirk away even more to think he thinks everything's going to be alright. He's always the optismist. I'm not. I'll fall into that perpetually irritating category of "women who wants to know everything a man's thinking". That's what makes me overanal. So don't dismiss it saying it's going to be okay. Not if you don't deal with me. Because that's not reassurance enough for me. The deeper we're going into this, the more I'll need. *sigh*

It doesn't help that I just read tigerjoe's entry. So maybe I do know what's troubling me.

Posted by midnite lily at 10:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The postcard I sent to Lee that got detoured to my home was the second thing my dad asked me about when I got into the car. The first thing we spoke about was about Toffee. heeh...

When dad began saying that my brother and I could never be crooks and hide things from mum and him, I knew where this was going. I laughed and replied that it was obviously because he brought us up as honest people, that we can't even become a salesman like he was because we're only half-Chinese! He was surprised that I already knew about the postcard, but the atmosphere in the car was light and made things easy for me to tell him about Lee.

Dad said my mum found the card in the mailbox and spoke to him about it. She promptly bugged him to put it in an envelope and mail it to the correct destination. *sheepish grin*

Then what followed was the obvious set of interrogational questions from dad that I answered without haste and we exchanged jokes.

What is he?
He's half kiwi, half white.
Isn't kiwi white?
Not Maori.
So he's cream?

When it came to how I met him and I answered through the Internet, dad said -

Just make sure he isn't a cereal killer.

Heehee... I like how my dad had faith in me. And I'm sure he thinks this might be a result of my mum's endless dedication to prayers. I don't know as yet of my mum's response to the whole thing, as she's already left for Manila for ten days and will be back before Lee arrives (only cos I booked her tickets that way =P).

Posted by midnite lily at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm feeling completely unhinged. And have been since I got here. Something about being in a country with a foreign language you can't work with that makes me homesick. I feel quite handicapped being unable to ease the load off Tomoko because of the language barrier. She seems to be doing everything when I'm supposed to share her load. I'm trying very hard to do what I can, but it's double work having her to translate everything to me. I hate feeling helpless and dependant, even with work. But this is a reality I've to deal with. And in less than 24 hours, so will the rest of the crew.

Just to get my mind off the stress, I try to cope as much as I can by my meagre communication with Lee... The sky mail service is the Japanese equivalent to our SMS. No GSM network can send SMS here. So the next best thing is email to mobile phone.

But honestly, I still feel farther away from him. Ironic for me to say that when we've always been apart all this while. I just feel like the stress is adding a strange kind of strain for us. On my part especially. *sigh* 18 more days...

Posted by midnite lily at 11:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught."
~Marquis de Vauvenargues

The things that excites us most in life, are the things we have yet to experience. I love reading what you guys've left in my comments in the previous entry. ^_^ It's reassuring that there are similarly hopeless romantics out there who are just as optimistic about love and life despite it all.

But I wasn't stirred or disillusioned when writing that entry. That's the best part. Everything about my BFG and I right now has made me feel extremely optimistic. And if I could tell you that following my heart on this one, I've never felt so right before, that I could almost disbelieve that it was happening.

Continue reading "My cheesy romantic film" »

Posted by midnite lily at 1:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

OMG, 28 more days! I can't wait!
You reeeaally like this guy, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, be careful. I don't want you to get hurt.

You can't help but wonder if people who say things like that to you have their own MO or think you're just like them. I can't stop being amused at watching my friends react when I gloat like a lovestruck teenager about my BFG. So what if we haven't met, physically, yet?

I know for a fact that when saying that, my friends don't have any malicious intent. But every person sharing an opinion is from an opinion shaped off their own personal experience and sense perception.

I'm sure some of you reading about my love-struck silliness must have at one point or another scoffed at the idea. And while there those who are amazingly supportive of watching this romance blossom, there are those who think of this in a completely jaded manner.

How much of life can you live being too careful? Or wishing and wanting not to get hurt from love? I used to be very anal about getting hurt from relationships. I used to be the one who'd hurt you if you loved me. I've got the label heartbreaker on my forehead. My ex's mum has said that about me. In all my past relationships, I was the dumper. Never the dumpee. Why? Because I was afraid to get hurt. I'd be the first to run when I saw signs of relationship decay. I'd mentally psyche myself up to shut down on a relationship. And there was no changing my mind.

But then I grew up. I realised there were things I couldn't experience in love when I held back. It was a kind of conditional love I put myself through.

I will love you, but it'll only last for 2 years. I can't marry you - because you're muslim. I'm still in love with you, but I hate LDRs. I love you, but my mum hates you.

Continue reading "Leave it behind, and love" »

Posted by midnite lily at 4:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I've just attempted to upgrade my Movable Type to 3.3... and along with that, a major overhaul of database transfer to fix my rebuild problem. I've had this bug when I tried to import my old MT entries from before Aug 2005, and it refuses to rebuild. But now that there are no entries from that "era"... it's still giving me the same headache. Just don't ask me why I won't give in to Word Press... Bah.

The whole thing's driving me nuts, and I've been irritable all day. Moody almost to the brink of breaking down and crying, frustrated, cranky, lazy to the point of listlessness and feeling hopeless. Sounds like irrational mood swings. Or the dreaded PMS. *sigh*

Continue reading "The Overhaul & The Long Haul" »

Posted by midnite lily at 2:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Sometimes when the people at work drive me nuts with their unnecessary personal drama, I feel like I want to be someplace else. I'm thinking somewhere with beaches, a harbour, an opera house and a certain sexy cartoonist. Hee...

Posted by midnite lily at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

image from getty images He's snoring into my ear right now, and it feels like I'm sneaking up quietly typing this beside him. I know I should be feeling bad for having him talk to me til he dozes off (oh, like I really feel guilty about that? =P) but I can't seem to get myself pried off the computer every time he comes online. He feels close to me like this. His voice feels soothing. His breathing calms me. His words make me smile. His very presence makes my cheeks hurt all day! I can't help that I'm addicted, no.... obsessed with my BFG. *^_^*

We're strange in the way we spend hours talking to each other late into the night or into daybreak. I do feel guilty keeping him up sometimes because he's two hours ahead. Not that I get much sleep myself from all the long hours at work. But until we decide what to do with this "distance", its something we're bearing with with a whole lot of excitement and love.

The anticipation is exciting, of him finally coming down... erm, up. And it's only 6 more weeks to go! I keep thinking about how surreal all this is. Two bloggers in two different continents, finding each other's blogs on blogshares, linking each other up, reading about each other for over three years, then falling in love and meeting.

I used to wonder how is anything like this possible. Everyone's read a lot of blogs. What does falling in love with the person behind those entries mean? Isn't that like falling in love with a book author? How much of what you know of that person is fiction? Or reality? I did wonder that maybe he knows enough about me to deceive me, but after the first few days of talking to him on YM, I found a captivating sense of optimism and genuineness about him.

Then I asked myself, how much of what I've read on his blog is real? The things he writes aren't always about his thoughts. It's more about his work, which is somewhat related to what I do, that'd explain why I kept his link for so long. But what do I know about him as a person? That made things more interesting, of course. It meant I could bug him to tell me everything about him. Hehe...

Along the way, I didn't expect him to tell me he was falling in love with me. I choked. It hadn't taken very long for him to tell me he loves me. I did find myself infatuated with him, but thought it was incredulous that it could be love. In such a short time? We were intense, the things we talked and laughed about were insane. It was a connection I can't explain. Love at first click? Hahaha.... And even though its technically been 3 months since that first email he sent me, we both feel like it's been a year!

Have you ever had someone who made you feel like you could do anything in the world? Or that being with him meant endless possibilities for the future with both of you together? Have you ever been so happy being with someone that it didn't matter how bad your day was? Or how much of a bad mood or how tired you were? These feelings might just be the honeymoon period of any relationship, but I just know that this is one person I want to make an effort to love, deo volente, forever.

Posted by midnite lily at 10:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

The sound of silence has never been so deafening. This was the longest drive home, in complete silence and tears. I am stupid. A complete and pathetic idiot. Why do I feel like I keep making the same stupid mistakes all the time? If I lost all the good things in my life, I only have myself to blame. I loathe myself right now. Why did I do this, even when I was willing to leave everything behind to be with you. I've lost a grip on everything.

I'm sorry. I don't blame you if you hate me now.

Posted by midnite lily at 12:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Pernahkah selama ini
Ku berhenti mencintaimu?
Pernahkah kau mendengar
Ku tak ucap sayang padamu?

Di setiap detak jantung
Ku selalu sebutkan namamu
Cintamu tlah membuat hatiku
Terukir jelas dirimu

Engkaulah jiwaku
Engkaulah mimpiku
Kaulah separuh dari hidupku
Hanyalah dirimu
Yang membuat segalanya indah

Bil