I don't know why I bother blogging any more. In the course of the six years I've erratically blogged, I've felt the brunt of being emotionally vulnerable here one too many times. Yet, it's as if those short outbursts and losses of friendships aren't enough to make me give up blogging.

The reason why I haven't yet stopped, is because it is for every person I had lost as a "friend", I gained at least two more valuable friendships from writing about what I go through. Blogging may seem irresponsible to some, but to me now, it's become a community of people who can relate to what I am going through or share supportive words. Contrary to what some of you may think, I am not the most verbally assertive person up front. Everything comes later, the anger, the I-should've-saids... almost long after things have been said and done. And I hate myself for being stupidly meek. So then it stupidly comes out here. Where the burden gets relieved.

You wouldn't ve known until now, that the very first email Lee ever sent me was because of something I had written in my blog, where I had lost a friend. A friend who thought I shouldn't write the emotional things I wrote here. Lee related at heart to the things I went through. I wonder now, if I hadn't expressed myself so honestly, if we would have ever met...

I don't care about losing friends any more. I don't say I've ever been perfect, as a friend or as a person. I am stubborn. I am emotional. So what? If I know what I want in my life and I will do it for myself, not because someone's told me to do something or have labelled me.

It's just horribly ironic how voyeuristic we are when it comes to relating to other people's pain, but when it comes to things being written about that involves you, the defence mechanism goes up like clockwork.

No wonder a lot of writers make up stories.

Yet, I think... I will contemplate on ending it here. I've become too weary for dealing with blogging's brunts. Maybe just having Lee find me here is enough.