28-yr old nocturnal over@nal geekette Malaysian.
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Lonely in Jade
It's strange to think that only months before, I'd blogged about how lonely I was in Sydney without any friends. Now, I'm living in an "in between" world where all the friends I have in KL have moved on with their lives and it's as though I'm not here. While my new friends in Sydney are wondering when will I be going back there.
It's making me wonder, have my friends here moved on because they know I won't be around for long? It might just be a defence mechanism that we usually have, I guess, to quietly drift away and let life take its due course away from that person. The idea is quite hurtful actually, and depressing nonetheless.
On my part, I know I'd been busy trying to pick up the pieces upon returning. Trying to put everything back into the balance. It did include trying to get back in touch with almost everyone close to me. Ironically, doing just that has made me realise again, all of the reasons I was looking forward to leaving here. It felt like I had taken five steps forward, and everything here was like it never changed. The disillusionment is still there, the settling for mediocrity, the settling for being miserable without making the choice of change. Honestly, part of me regrets coming back to KL. FiG's words about outgrowing Malaysia began to ring true. If I didn't understand it before, I understood it now.
I never want to be like one of those arrogant people who live abroad and think themselves better than those back in Malaysia. Neither am I going to be one who'll say, where I'll live is better than here. Yet, people keep implying that.
"Oh, she's got a better future there... It's a better life... bla bla bla...You know, the usual refugee mentality babble. It annoys the shit out of me. I wish I could help everyone. But I know I can't. Even opening my mouth would mean coming face to face with cold hard cynicism. It's hard to stay idealistic when you're surrounded by jadedness. I guess for now, I'd rather settle for loneliness.
Comments
Hi,
That was an interesting post. People always think the grass is greener on the other side. Malaysia and any other place you decide to immigrate to has its own good and bad things and it is up to the person and his/her individual opinion on which is better. A lot of people in Malaysia are always saying how great life is overseas, yet those who do make the big move may discover it is not to their liking after all or that there are some things that they are not willing to compromise on. It is never easy to integrate oneself, especially an adult, into a new society that has different ethics and views from what you are used to.
In the end, the only way you can decide is to try it for yourself and see if the shoe fits.
To be fair, the economic situation at home is not great and I can totally understand if people are feeling jaded and depressed because of this. There is of course so much in life that we should appreciate and celebrate, but to have one's purchasing power eroded constantly and gravity-defying prices is no way to cheer up. Sometimes we just need to realise how fortunate and lucky we are in our little ways, and then the sky seems blue again.
Anyway, my 2 sens' worth.
Have a good day ahead!
Rose | August 14, 2007 2:04 AM
I suppose it all comes down to what you are looking for in life.
The grass can be greener overseas, but settling in a new land has its fair share of challenges.
Yes, the government may be more honest. Yes, the people may be more egalitarian. However, we still have to face up to the fact that we are outsiders attempting to integrate into a new society.
There will be much struggle and much soul-searching.
For me, the agony of having to choose was so bad I actually descended into depression at one point. I felt like I was hovering in the netherworld, neither here nor there.
But things took a turn in 2005, when I returned to Malaysia promote my short story collection.
At a bookstore event, I was approached by a member of the Special Branch and told to muzzle up.
This was baffling because none of my stories were even set in Malaysia.
That incident cemented my decision to emigrate rather than self-censor.
At times, I do get lonely and I do feel out-of-place, but I think, that's a small price to pay for freedom.
John Ling | August 18, 2007 5:23 AM
And oh, I forgot to add.
It's very important to love and enjoy the country you are emigrating to.
Don't do it simply because you have fallen out of love with Malaysia. That's a wrong motive that will surely have negative consequences.
John Ling | August 18, 2007 5:25 AM