I replied to my girlfriend that the issue her aunt is facing, isn't about being Malaysian. It's about where your heart is, where you call home, and how you grieve the loss of your identity/old life - or part of it - and whether or not you let go of it; then how much you choose to move forward with it.

While I may not know specifically the pain and frustration her aunt may have faced, I knew it well from growing up watching my mother in her frustration. Her Filipino background where language, culture and lifestyles are completely different from Malaysia, saw her through agonizing grief of seeking a sense of belonging and rediscovering her identity.

I knew full well that that being with Lee would find me in a parallel world with my mother. When you uproot yourself from your culture, to be replanted in a place totally alien to you - from the language, sense of belonging, nuances of a community or lack of, the food, climate etc... Anyone would feel naturally alienated and frustrated because you would practically have to unlearn the things you knew as a child. The things you knew aren't wrong. They just don't apply to your new life anymore. If a person isn't aware of this, it will be doubly hard to deal with moving on in life. It will just be constantly dismissed as homesickness, and you will forever lie in a cycle of grief. Instead, you should let your old life die and move forward. Be aware of the pain and gradual shedding of your old skin. Let it go, and let yourself live with dignity. Accept that you will need to learn new things. New ways to adapt to this new world, new culture, new life. I believe we're made human beings who can adapt. We're made versatile, limited only by our refusal to try.

I guess what makes it harder for some when they've left "home" because they've fallen in love with someone else of an alien culture, is when the other person doesn't related or understand the pain you're going through, and just dismisses it as homesickness. In that way, the pain doesn't heal. It lingers.

The thing is, Lee and I have spoken about all this. Things that go beyond 5 years from now. We're both aware that being together would mean bridging not just our personalities and lives, but also our culture, experiences, beliefs, pain, frustrations etc... from two very different worlds. The most important for us is recognizing that we will be very different, even if we share so many ideals and beliefs that are similar. And we will continue to discover more of our differences all through our lives together. It's not a one time only learning process. It's constant.

I will learn what makes me different from him, and vice versa. I will learn what growing up in Malaysia is like, and how different it is from Australia - from the climate, societal norms, people's thinking, the importance of a sense of community that Asians have etc. He will learn the same. But we also acknowledge that while a lot of regular parents only think of basic parenting, we being from two different worlds will have to reconcile our differences for our kids. We have to know that they will have to deal with their own identity crisis' because we've merged our two cultures. And because the Australian/Western culture will be dominant (for example), we will be aware that the recessive Asian culture might be put down. We have to know all these to counter them.

I grew up hating being part Filipino. I didn’t like that I wasn't like the rest of my Malaysian peers. You were either part of the majority Malay or Chinese Malaysians in class. Their cultures were more clear cut than mine. I remember once in primary school, after the Chinese New Year holidays, the teacher asked everyone in class to tell stories of when they "balik kampung" (went back to their hometown) and what they did with their grandparents, relatives etc. I cried because I felt left out. I cried because I wasn't like everyone else, that I didn't have a "kampung" (village) to go home to. Of course, I didn't know why I was so different then. I just didn't want to be different. I wanted to belong.

While knowing my kids might face what I went through, I also know Australia's very multi-cultural enough for my kids not to feel the same alienation I felt in school. I will also have to bear in mind to teach them the importance of their backgrounds, and not to be ashamed of it. Things which my parents probably never taught me, or even realised enough to teach me.

Which brings me to mention that, for all these reasons, is why when my dad realised my relationship with Lee was going to be serious, he told me to take it slowly. He told me once before, that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't marry someone of a different culture. It hurt me to hear him say that, but I understood what he meant.

But with the things that I know now, which my dad probably didn't know when he married my mum, I believe I'm better off than them. Because Lee and I have spoken about it, and we know most of what we're in for. I think a lot of people don't realize this when they go into inter-cultural relationships. It's funny though, how despite knowing how hard path up ahead is, we still want to go on. Sometimes there are things in life you won't understand, but God has reasons for them.