Life in Sydney is too alien for me. And I don't feel I can live with it. I am too weak, feeble, naive... for a city life probably too individualistic for me. I may have said KL felt soul-less, but Sydney feels impersonal... And almost superficial. Everyone here seems too caught up in their own lives that they haven't time for anyone else. I've heard so much about Lee's friends and were excited to meet them. Yet I've only met a tiny fraction. Maybe it's because he's barely been in touch with most. Or maybe it's obviously not the Australian way to share things like this with friends.

To me, everything has been obviously a stark contrast from home. Money seems the first order of the day for all. The high cost of living the city entails for survival here, forces everyone into their own world. Especially from a cultural perspective. Some may say that city living is such, and I won't argue that KL isn't like that. But I feel, KL's metropolitan population of 6.9million paired with its people's sense of community, is what I'd rather call home despite political instability; compared to Sydney's mere 4.2million and its inhabitants' self-absorbed lifestyle. There is obviously a "better" standard of living here, but at what cost? As I've seen, it's at the cost of not being able to own your own home. It's at the cost of having a wedding to share with family and friends no matter the number. It's at the cost of being suspicious of anyone being friendly or helpful beyond familiarity or individual culture. It's at the cost of paying high taxes, so that the government can take care of you when you're old and not your own family or kids. It's at the cost of cultural differences and not being able to understand or tolerate differences. Australia claims to embrace multiculturalism. But I believe they have a long way to achieve it. Despite some political tensions among the races now, at least Malaysia has experienced and achieved multicultural harmony, and it's citizens know how to deal with it.

I remember vividly the words of a Brother during a leadership camp attended when I was 14, saying that it is only through displacement do we learn more about ourselves. Being here has done that to me, and made me appreciate what I had more. It is always the tiniest of things that we miss most from home, only after we've left. Malaysia may be an Islamic nation, but I miss the warmth and induced welcome we extend to strangers in our over-flowing churches back home. Here, I can be at Mass for weekends and I still feel invisible amid the half-filled hall. How ironic that Christianity is allegedly the staple religion of Western civilisation and yet their priests struggle to keep their community alive. In a country where churches are at almost every corner, pubs are more packed than Masses. A huge contrast to Malaysia's Catholic churches' struggle with the government to have churches built.

I spoke to another new friend, who've moved here three years ago, and she shares in common with me the ideals of friendship and community life. She states her experience in Sydney as a place where people can often "disappear" out of your life, and often never reappearing. People here don't put much importance into friendships unless its to invite you to a barbeque or party. She had found out when one of her friends disappeared for a while, he had been terribly sick. She asked why he hadn't called her for help with simple things, like the shopping or looking after him. She was greeted with a deeply surprised and clueless response, "Why? I had my mum to do all that for me." She had not once received a call from a friend, to ask for help like an emotional listening ear or such, despite offering. To add to that, she had shared with me that her husband felt that at the short year he lived in Melbourne, he had made more friends there than the 12 years he's lived in Sydney. My heart fell very heavily listening to her experience. I had grown up to surround myself with people who are like her - who extend emotional and moral support beyond family, beyond prejudice or differing opinions. It has become for me what the phrase "No man is an island" means. Yes I have my family, but my friends are a staple of my life too. And their friendship goes beyond attending a picnic with me or getting drunk with each other at the pub. I will and have done things beyond expectations. Given selfless acts and gifts as a token of friendship and asking nothing in return but their company. Maybe it is because there have been so much years and time invested into it. While here I've barely had any. And though I've started, I did become disillusioned reading other people's friends ads with statements such as "No travellers" or "If you're in Sydney for no longer than 6 months, don't email." Such harshness and insincerity, I almost cannot comprehend with today's Internet age. Does adulthood make people so hardened? So cynical? So closed to new experiences? I feel it does, and it feels like it's hardening me for all the wrong reasons, sadly.

Tonite, I can't sleep. I toss and turn in frustration. Suddenly indecisive over calling Sydney home. Maybe going back, and working, would give me more clarity. I don't know. I'm just disappointed that reality has sent me off into this deep moment of doubt. Almost not wanting to come back, even for Lee. *sigh* I want to remain optimistic to try again. With hope that maybe the next time around, things will get better. Yet now, depressed and feeling completely alone, how do I choose? What do I choose? A lifetime with someone I love and can never find anyone else comparable vs. surrounding myself with a community of friends and family whom I love and share a more wholesome lifestyle? Things could change though, even as I see it. So how do I choose?