28-yr old nocturnal over@nal geekette Malaysian.
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Two pieces
In the last three months, being here has been an emotional roller-coaster of homesickness and contentment. Bouncing back and forth between the two, I can tell you there are moments I eagerly want to stay and then suddenly call it quits. Right now, my indecisiveness is frustrating. Everything seems to hang on the edge. Decisions can only be made later, or formal applications for staying can only begin late in the year. Rationally, it makes sense to go home.
I feel worn out just thinking of it. I feel frustrated because there's so much money involved. Even more so when I can't earn any being here. My independence being stripped away is discomforting. I've loss the balance I'm accustomed to. I can't let down my pride to allow someone else to take care of me financially. Worse still, knowing that my bad health will require more expensive medical care if I continue to stay stresses me.
And all he can say to me is that this is temporary. I wish I had gone home on Sunday. I'm beginning to resent the words people have said that there's nothing to look forward to at home anymore. That things are better in Australia. Better in whose definition? Everywhere in the world there will be problems. Everyone thinks the grass is greener someplace else. Who has the right to tell you their home is better than yours, when you've made your home yours?
I'm confused. I feel like a failure at trying to move from my comfort zone so many times in the last year. I'm not cut out for this like I wish I could've been. But at least if I do go home, I wouldn't regret not trying. I'm just completely torn between being content or being ambitious. I'm torn between happiness with one person or happiness at home.
Comments
I guess it's about knowing exactly what you need and being happy with what you have. It would be easier if like me, you felt that you were born in the wrong country. But since it's not the case, maybe it's just about creating a new comfort zone where you are.
Not many people can just pick and create something new, but I know you would have considered that before you left Malaysia. Things like that take time to adjust. Friends I know take months and God help me, so did I.
Edrei | February 20, 2007 4:14 PM
Oh zona... I so understand where you are now.
It is hard to go from an independant person with wheels, money,friends, career, family to someone that is completely dependant on your other half. I did it once when I was 19 and I did it again when I moved to the UK.
I understand your frustration at being stuck at a limbo - I was stuck for 4 months jobless, money-less, friends-less everything-less. And it doesn't help that it was right smack of a cold winter. It was the worst time in my life as I felt so completely and utterly useless. There is only so much shopping you can do when your dollar won't stretch that far. But it also gave me a chance to be with bacon, to see how he lived his life and to be happy with having him permanently in my life.
I guess the question you need to ask now is, Is he worth the stay? It is a different feeling when you are going somewhere where you are sure you will be returning home (i.e. studying) and knowing that you are moving for good.
The home-sickness will not go away, Malaysia will always be home even if everyone thinks that it's better in OZ, or Canada or USA. It's been 1.5 years since I moved, and I still miss my friends and family every single day. I am still a miserable git here, but I got over it - I am making the best out of the situation because bacon is worth the stay.
The fact that we are plotting to move to another country (to be fair to both of us) nonwithstanding :).
good luck xx
sourrain | February 20, 2007 7:47 PM
i'm in the same situation, except i'm in middle of no where (small town in Hungary). I miss the independance..on the positive side, life is less materialistic and am enjoying photography
kris | February 21, 2007 1:14 AM
hi Kris, i guess u'll find others (commenters) here with similar situations too. i've been wondering about the visitor from Hungary. welcome. ^_^ would love to see some of ur photos.
sourrain: thanks for relating. i just need to decide...
edrei: i just need to find the strength & the attitude to keep at it...
midnite lily | February 21, 2007 12:07 PM
I remember reading a quote by Winston Churchill. I was at one point trying to look for comfort on the net. Asked google about feeling like a failure. Nowadays, everytime I feel like giving up I remind myself of the quote.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm
-- Winston Churchill
Don't know if it helps, just thought I'd share :)
BawangMerah | February 22, 2007 1:49 AM
^_^ thanks red!
midnite lily | February 23, 2007 5:07 PM
its "nice " to know others feel the same as I'm beginning to think that i'm overly sensitive and hate my extreme mood swings *blush*
kris | February 27, 2007 8:29 PM