I keep trying to stop thinking of him. But instead of crying when I do, I'm thinking very sanely. Thinking about my past relationships. I don't understand why really. It's like I hear this voice telling me, everything I've been through - all the pain, the crying, the yelling, frustration, agony, the exhillaration - is preparing me for now. But what is "now"? There isn't anything now.

All I see is my self-inflicted pain over falling for guys who are going to be inaccessible to a clingy me. Like a commitment-phobic subconsciously selecting guys I'll never need to marry, or think about it. Not to say I don't entertain the thought of organizing a fairy-tale wedding in my head. Which girl doesn't? =P But really, I have a track record of either being rejected before anything happens or self-rejection before committing to a serious relationship.

My first boyfriend was in college and on his way to the UK when I was 16. I didn't want to go through an LDR. That was over before it began. The second... I don't even want to remember. The third I knew for three months before he left for the US. And then he came back, and I went to Australia. And then I came back, and we broke up. The fourth, I'd already told him it would never work out because of our religion. But we went out anyway. It was like forcing the universe to converge, only to create fireworks you'll never see again. Gawd, that sounds so weird. What I meant was, I am still crazy about him but it wasn't going to go anywhere.

What made sense to me was looking at all the emotional roller-coasters I put myself through... The nights I've cried my eyes out from LDR paranoia. It's as though, should it happen again, I will be a stronger person to go through it. Or would I really want that?