But that didn't happen to me. What did happen was a very adult advice on having the discretion on what I blogged about, particularly regarding the company. I left his office feeling overwhelmed and extremely disoriented. I started to contemplate on what I was supposed to do now. Should I stop blogging? Because knowing an employer now reads through my personal thoughts, paranoia's, frustrations and bouts of manic depression left me vulnerable. I never came to a decision.

The thoughts kept niggling at me, and I decided to put it aside to let work be my priority for that instant. However, things changed when I came home Saturday evening and found an SMS from the CEO requesting that I promptly remove all matters revolving around the company from my blog. My mind drew a complete blank. As if this non-stop over analytical mind could stop to suffer a heart-attack (mind-attack?), it very well did for a whole three hours. And when my mind stopped, my heart sunk into a complete deep and sickened feeling.

Does he realise what this command means to me? No. It was the company policy at stake. Fine. But what about what he meant by being aware of my personal & career development? Then again, he never asked me what my personal goals were. He never asked if my own ambitions and ideals did fit into the company's vision. They never do. They would prefer to think that I worked in the company to suit their needs. It was after all a corporate entity, that just so happened to make a factory out of creative minds.

That aside, what his SMS meant to me was to disassociate myself from the company in my blog. I was broken. I couldn't do that, for the complicated over-analytical reason that - in as much as people say that your work is not you; my work was part of me. Just as my blog is an extension of whom I was. I spend at least 8 hours a day in the office, and on some shoot days more than 12 hours... Even on weekends and public holidays, when we're rushing a deadline, I am working. When I come home, my mind is not shut out from work. It still continues even when I sleep, where I visualize and dream certain details and ideas of what and how I'd like to direct or problem solve. Can this be counted as overtime? No. But if I'm not physically at work, I'm bound to get reprimanded. Inconceivable. At least 80% of my daily life is work. I practically live and breathe my work. And now I'm supposed to disassociate my blog entries from work? Right.

And if you think that's just me, you should see how some of my colleagues work and slog hours at the office longer than I do. And I very well see much more repercussions to their lives than mine.

So, maybe it is my fault for not being able to manage my time well or not being able to shut out the moment I leave the office. Really, I am not a labour worker. My mind works differently from the muscle work put in to other jobs. To relax, to ease out, to shut out... is not as easily said and I am not like other people. But my blog is my release. My form of relaxation. My corner in cyberspace where I type it out and leave behind my frustrations. I barely, if ever, use profanities against my colleagues in my entries. Sometimes I even forget what I write, because it is there to be left behind. And learnt from again, if ever I re-read them. My blog is my thinking deck. My personal thinking space. That works almost the same as a book, where readers choose to click and read.

I can tell you that I have not written anything slanderous against the company. Or individuals. If anything negative, it would be more my personal frustrations at being unappreciated for the right things. For being shoved aside as a peon, because others do work to play politics. What I write about my work is part and parcel my pride of achievements. Yes, sometimes I think they aren't the greatest. Or the most perfect. But blogging about them also means I'm proud of being a part of the team. To announce to my friends a new TV show that I was a part of. To have them watch, because they've read part of my sufferings in the journey to produce a show. And maybe help ratings. It is not as though I posted up naked pictures of myself to get the attention that I want.

With having told not to blog about work, then I'm probably allowed to blog about other people's work. Write reviews about films like Gol & Gincu and have everyone watch that instead of my own company's shows. How ironic is that?

I even came to a point where I felt that maybe... with all my panic attacks & manic depressive entries, that the company was ashamed to be associated with me. Maybe that's what he meant by removing anything relating to the company. It made me feel even lower. Disgusted. Then again, who was I to them? I am not even valued as an individual as opposed to a liability. I think this action goes against everything the company is trying to achieve for creative individuals. Then again, isn't that the truth since the one time I am sent a personal SMS from my boss is when he commands me to remove all things associating to the company from my blog?

I guess whoever complained about my blog to the boss doesn't understand truly what this all means to me. That I don't believe I have breached anything out of maliciousness. Even the photos I post are mostly after the show airs. I admit one mistake was to post any pictures relating to the current project, but those pictures were of the team. None of the actors or storyline. Then again, this was done before my team was told harshly not to release any information regarding the show to the press.

Nevertheless, I believe I didn't do anything wrong. I believe and have thought this over to death over the weekend. I even started to reminisce on how blogging about my work has built bridges for me. With a Malaysian student studying in Australia who became inspired and affirmed of her ambitions. She even began emailing me to ask advice for her film assignment. With an Australian chap who is interested in pursuing a career in Film & TV, and is admirable of my trials and tribulations of being a young female director. And with my own friends with whom I barely have time to be in contact with because of work. They read and understand me, and come to my aid when I'm feeling low.

So, with courage and in truth, I want to say that I will blog. And continue to blog. Not in another nick like suggested. May God have mercy on me for any wrong doings I've committed, or things I have said that may have unintentionally hurt people's feeling. And may God also bless me for all that I do and believe in. Because as some of you have read my work entries, I firmly believe that all my work - whether with present employer or others prior - is a gift from God. And if my job is taken away from me because I want to blog what I believe is the truth, then so be it. My faith lies in a God who listens to me. And walks with me in this journey through life's lowest and highest points. My courage lies in God who has given me everything in all my 26 years of life. Maybe this is a reminder to leave my fears about money, and let God take control. Maybe God is telling me to move on. Whatever it is, I feel like I needed to write this just to set my mind, body & soul free from the frustrations I've been going through in the last four days. And even though I do feel an inkling of fear, in Him will my strength be. So, now I can breathe.