midnite lily's

I just renewed this domain name for another three years. Looks like this is going to be here a while. So much for wanting to quit blogging.

You don't care. I know.

I'm not inspired to blog because I'm not inspired. Too much negativity one after another here will make you disillusioned to think everything is going badly. It isn't. I just have no one else to vent to - but into this black hole called the internet.

I'm a whinger. That was said to me by my boss at work and it hurt, a lot. Even if it was delivered as a typical scathing Aussie banter. Only because I'm emotionally vulnerable in one of those erratic adjustment phase right now. I loathe it.

I don't belong. Feels like. Any where.

Does anyone even listen?

Lee says I talk in my sleep. Often enough for him to point it out. He thinks I speak in Malay in my sleep! I don't even think in that language. A colleague of his, who's also a close friend of mine, was also told by her husband that she talks in her sleep. But she definitely speaks her mother tongue, German. We're both similarly in our migrant backgrounds. Makes me wonder if it's because we're desolate and don't have anyone else to talk to about how we feel in our new lives.

I want to be alone. But I don't.

Why do people have children? Why do you have children? Does it matter? The older I get, the less I want one. Thank God I live far away from that nagging culture of those who insist on perpetuating the chronological list of life.

Why are you here? I wish I wasn't.

Too much space makes you deranged.

Posted by Zona Marie at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Two years ago, while I was driving home from Mass in a soul-searching mood amidst uncertainty, I asked God what was I supposed to do about my life's direction. At the time, Lee and I had only spent about a week talking to each other online. But he'd already asked that I think about moving to Sydney. It was a ludicrous idea at that period, although I was searching for a change in my life.

What I didn't write in that blog entry was that in the car that Sunday evening, I said to God that if this was all meant to be I would be in Sydney for the World Youth Day. I looked up to the sky and then saw a rainbow. It was a sign He was telling me He would keep his promise.

He has.

By God-incidence, I was asked if I was the pilgrim group leader for St Augustine's before my arrival to Sydney in December last year. I took it as a sign that He wants me to do something in return for Him. So I said yes. Unfortunately, the road was hard to get a pilgrim group together from that small parish.

I had been mulling over what to do without a group. To spend $335 on a 5-day package and go on my own, or just attend the few events available to the general public.

I went to collect the WYD kit today for another parishioner who wanted to get one but was going to go on her own. I still hadn't decided about myself. What more, Lee said he was taking the week off to attend the event with me as well. That was a pleasant surprise. But $335 for each person was still too much.

The person behind the registration counter had a kit for seven pilgrims from my group. When I told him only one was paid for, he gave me two! I felt touched and thankful for the gesture. (I forgot to get your name, but to the American guy at the Chippendale pick-up station who's been working so hard against today's "logistical nightmare" - thank you!!)

It's a wonderful affirmation of His continuing blessings.

Posted by Zona Marie at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's amazing how after over five years of reading each other's blogs while living in the same city, having so many mutual friends and even probably been in the same clubs partying that we've never met each other in person. It took us to leave our home country and move to another before we finally shared a cuppa in Sydney. On Saturday, I finally met Stephanie.

Not complete strangers, we spoke to fill in the gaps of all the things we knew of each other from those years of reading. It's funny how life takes turns to bring people together. I know it's been like that even for me when I ended up marrying Lee, but I still feel wonderment to experience these little things.

One of the things Ste's said to me was how it seems that I've adapted really well. I couldn't help but think how ironic her statement was at this precise point in time. It has been welling up inside me for a while now, particularly after the wedding and getting my job that reality hit me.

My life has changed. It wasn't so much being married that has awoken me into a livid state. It's the being here for good. The being far away from the home I grew up in and the creature comforts. It's the telling myself, "This is home. This is my life now." Nothing says it more now that I have that Temporary Residence Visa label (two, actually! the emotionless immigration officer accidentally tore the first sticker label while sticking it on and had give me a new another one) in my passport.

So, what do I do with myself? How do I begin a new life? I've got a great job that's something I've always wanted to do ever since I was 13, a wonderful husband, I live in one of the world's top 10 cities... What else could there be? It's that exact question that makes me feel like this is not it. My life is where it is now because I've subtracted a whole lot of familiar things - my family, friends whom I grew up with, the city I grew up in. Life's not complete now. I don't think it ever would be...

I'm a wheel in motion, but in a motion with no direction. Where do I go now that I've reached this place?

Work's been a bittersweet experience. All of the one plus three months of it. It proved that I still have got it in me - that go getter, perfectionist at work attitude. But little do you really know what goes through my mind when I step out that office door, or when I hang up the phone after an interview... Working life here is a culture shock to me. A shock to the system that's gotten me worn out. Even if language isn't an issue.

I've always had at the back of my mind that working in Australia was going to be the rough and rigid culture I've seen in any Western world TV show. Of course, I knew TV was a fantasy. But what else would you rationalise with the unknown? Besides, it's common knowledge that the kwai lohs are more vocally blunt than Asians anyway. And they don't have the "save face" mentality. How was I going to stand up to that? I am a little fish in a big pond.

I arrived in Australia intimidated. The me who had so much to be proud of, reached this land with her tail between her legs. Nothing I'd done in the past could hold me up. I knew I was beginning from nothing.

Adapting to the work culture differences have been generally manageable for far. But it's even the small moments that could shock my system.

My editor is the most amazing person to work with. She's always giving out praise and constructive criticism where due. It's definitely such a great and healthy environment to work in. I just wasn't used to having a supervisor give out (so much) praise. Commendations were always rare to me in my seven years working in Malaysia. Even from my own parents. If you did something right, no one said anything - they'd just give you more work to make up for the person who's not doing well. If you did something wrong, hell breaks loose. So how do you deal with constant praise?

Then there's the whole work-life balance culture. Just last week, I'd been stressing myself over a huge deadline - having to submit five articles for the magazine (about 5000 words), and I'd only managed to submit two come Friday while the big three pager was a quarter the way. I knew I'd have to work the weekend. Instead, my editor told me not to and continue it the following week and give it to her by late Monday or Tuesday morning latest.

I sat staring at the computer, blankly. The "sweatshop worker" in me wanted to keep going. I'd work overnight days on end in TV production. How was I going to get it out of my system?

I shut the laptop down, took it home with me thinking I could probably look it over on the weekend. But that never happened.

I need to relearn and adapt to this whole work-life balance. Not because I have to. I want to. It's absolutely great! It's just that when you've been conditioned to work a certain way, you feel guilty even when you don't need to. And believe me, the guilt is still there.

There's always going to be a whole lot more adapting to come.

Posted by Zona Marie at 9:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)